California Recall Madness

This recall in California is as crazy as they say it is. I'm having trouble understanding it.

The Republicans stole billions of dollars from the state by faking energy shortages and blocking any investigation of the crimes, and the Republicans are keeping the state in a budget deficit by refusing to consider any kind of tax increase even when the tax law says "cut me in half when there's a surplus and double me if there's a deficit", so obviously, it's all the Democrats' fault.

So now we have this crazy recall election, and we've got a candidate who thinks you should vote for him because he is a successful businessman and he wants to do what's right for California. Ask him what's right for California, and he just says that he cares about the people and wants to set the state on the right direction, but where is the policy? How about some actual policy suggestions, Larry Flynt?

Then there's Arianna Huffington, who is rich and says she pays less in taxes than the middle class, so she wants to raise her own taxes. HYPOCRITE!!!!!

There's also a geek girl running for Governor. Georgy Russell. She's a computer nerd like me, and she's hot! And single! I'd vote her for chick I'd most like to bang, but would I want her as Governor? Eh... only if I'm banging her. Actually, I admit I've never gone to her website to see what her political positions are. I'm sort of involved, I'm stalking another girl at the moment.

Then there's Tom McClintock, who is absolutely wrong on every policy issue I've ever seen him take, but he feels strongly about it! If you want a governor who has no qualms about doing the wrong thing for California, then Tom McClintock is your man.

Then we have Peter Camejo and Bill Simon, a left wing extremist who already lost to Gray Davis and a right wing extremist who already lost to Gray Davis. If they ever shake hands before the debate, there'll be a matter-antimatter explosion that would wipe out all the candidates. Heh. Hmmmmmm...

And of course, the big Ahhh-nuld, the illegal immigrant who hates illegal immigrants and whose campaign is so obviously run by Washington it's not funny.

"I would like the people of California to know that I support homosexual rights, and believe that gay men should be able *beep* *beep* *beep* to... hold on a second, I have a phone call. Hello? Hi, Mister Rove! Yes.. Yes, Mister Rove.

"I don't support gay rights. However, I do support womens' rights, and believe that no woman should *beep* *beep* *beep* hold on, another phone call. Hi Mister Rove. Yes, Mister Rove.

"I don't support womens' rights. However, I have hired an economic advisor, the second richest man in the United States and an expert investor, Mister Wa*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* -- Hold on, I'm terribly sorry about this. ... ... ... ... Yes, Mister Rove. ... ... ... Yes, Mister Rove.

"My economic advisor has been terminated."

There are over a hundred and thirty other gubernatorial candidates. In one of those odd coincidences, that's about one for every soldier who has been killed in Iraq since April. When the terrorists die in war, they get seventy virgins and honey and all that. When one of our guys dies in war, we get another candidate for Governor of California. I think the terrorists got the better deal, even if their seventy virgins are each other.

I'm not going to go into the other candidates. Who do I think is going to win? Well, it comes down to an underappreciated segment of society: the video gamers. There are all sorts of video gamers who just turned 18 since the last election, and when they walk into the voting booth, they're going to look at the ballot and say:

"Whoa.. this guy's name looks like Bust-A-Move!"

Posted by Warrior Tang at September 17, 2003 02:24 PM

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