Live from the Nuke Free Zone

No, you can’t torture people even just this once. Bad President, no pretzel.

What if it’s a clandestine counterterrorism operation?

No.

What if it’s abroad?

No.

What if it’s noncitizens?

No.

What if I say I reeeeeeally have to?

No.

What if it’s for clandestine counterterrorism operations conducted abroad, with respect to terrorists who are not citizens of the United States, that are carried out by an element of the United States government other than the Department of Defense and are consistent with the Constitution and laws of the United States and treaties to which the United States is a party, if the president determines that such operations are vital to the protection of the United States or its citizens from terrorist attack?

That’s it. I’m turning this country around and going straight home.