Live from the Nuke Free Zone

Oakland Athletics third baseman Eric Chavez provided the fireworks that the Oakland offense needed last night, batting 4-5 and driving in 4 runs in the A’s 9-3 victory over the New York Yankees. Chavez then provided more fireworks after the game, speaking out in a blunt and energetic condemnation of United States foreign policy in the 21st century.

Chavez started his day with a 2nd-inning double off the Yankees’ Jaret Wright, driving in Milton Bradley and Frank Thomas to bring the A’s up 2-0. He then led off the fourth with a triple down the right field line, starting a 3-run inning that saw Wright leave the game early for reliever Jeff Karstens. Chavez hit a solo homer off Karstens in the fifth, then singled off Octavio Dotel in the ninth to bring in another run and complete the cycle.

After the game, Chavez hopped in a limo and was driven down Manhattan from Yankee Stadium to the United Nations building where, in his capacity as the Vice President of the oil-rich South American country of Orchata, Chavez launched into a blistering tirade against what he sees as American warmongering and imperialism.

“The vicious American mongrels and their violent, oppressive manipulation of weaker states must end!” Chavez declared to thunderous applause from the UN General Assembly. “The evil George W. Bush and Jaret Wright thought they could defeat me, but I have proven victorious. History has proven that fascist American cruelty and viciousness knows no bounds. I could have gone 5 for 5, but some jerk in a flag T-shirt shined a laser pointer in my eyes.”

Asked for comment, a State Department spokesman said, “I have no idea where he’s coming from with this nonsense. We only tried to kill him four times, launched twelve coups, and invaded his country twice. Obviously he’s nuts, but boy can he hit a baseball.”

At the end of his speech, Chavez held up a copy of the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus and declared, “This is the book that I have used to come up with new ways to insult America. America is … wretched, deficient, iniquitous, invidious, odious, nefarious, froward, scurrilious … ”

The Yankees host the A’s again at 6:15 tonight, as Cory Lidle faces off against Esteban Loaiza.